Why do I have to ruin things for myself?

I can't believe it's been November since my last blog - that's appalling.

Well this last couple of weeks have been a bit trying really and I'm pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I would like a simple, care free life where the only upset or controversy occurs when the milk is late or I might find a split end .... but no. The last few years for me have been a roller coaster of trials and terrors. I won't bore you with the details but it basically runs like this for the last 5 years ....

• abusive and adulterous ex husband,
• miscarriage,
• divorce,
• moved house 5 times in 4 years,
• 2 periods of unemployment following end of fixed term contracts,
• financial ruin thanks to South Wales house being on market for 13 months after move to Devon,
• bankruptcy,
• grandfather thinking Christmas Eve would be a good time to stop breathing,
• career path resembling crazy paving rather than a clear line of progression,
• father in law getting pretty nasty cancer,
• husband finding out he's got diabetes

.... and on top of all this ... I've got split ends.

So getting what can only be described as a brain-fart during my CIPD exams this week was really par for the course. I know I can always take re-sits and this is not beyond me or my capabilities at all. So I can reassure myself of that. The great thing about this week was that I actually got to spend time by myself. To have no other voices in my head but my own. No 3 year old asking for another rendition of "The man in the moon is smiling" like I'm a human juke box or a colleague asking me where this file is or can I do this ..... But even when things are really great and there's something positive I can focus on, I will always ... ALWAYS have a pessimistic spasm which brings me right back down to earth. Why do I do this? Why can't I just enjoy a good moment???

Case in point. This week I had the opportunity (despite being a public servant) of staying overnight in a Marriott hotel. Now for a girl who thinks an Ibis is pretty damn cool, the Marriott might as well be The Ritz. I am used to seeing a couple of RAC Rosettes outside a B&B rather than a concierge sign and lots of polished brass plaques. The place was beautiful. I sat and ate dinner on my own but in a childish and pathetic way I sat there eating the cheapest thing on the menu imagining I was a female executive who'd just flown in from "The City" for a top level meeting and "Crisis Talks" and wondering if anyone thought that of me as I sat looking at my notes sipping bottled water which later turned out to have cost me more than my usual bottle of red wine I have from the local supermarket. I fooled no one including the serving staff - I think it was because I thanked them too much for pouring my water. I watched people at the other tables not even looking up from their menus or meals when the serving staff spoke to them or enquired after their well being - aloofness or rudeness? I settled on the latter. As I looked around this beautiful setting I thought "God I could really get used to this life" and just as I was actually feeling a sense of well being I noticed 3 large marble effect tables sat outside in the corridor. They served no purpose other than to be decorative furniture people would have to avoid bumping into after consuming too much wine at the hotel bar (which they will eventually learn cost them more than their weekly earnings) and I began thinking to myself "how much did those things cost?" and as I let my mind wander, I started thinking about what purpose they served, other than to say "We demonstrate the wealth and success of this hotel, it's opulence is your assurance that we're looking after your needs as a consumer whilst providing you with the beautiful surroundings you deserve" but then at what cost? Who made them? How much did they get paid? Moreover, the money that was spent on these pointless furniture items could have fed a family or village and cured diseases in the developing world.

I couldn't just enjoy the moment ... could I? I had to let this bloody moral compass of mine dictate how I felt. All of a sudden I was 21 again sat in my local pub, after consuming a few too many Flowers IPA's having had a brilliant night out with one of my closest friends confessing to her that I'd slept with a bloke she fancied 6 months earlier. She would never have known. The bloke was from a different group of friends, paths would never have crossed, it was never serious - just a few drunken nights and after 2 weeks of being fuck-buddies I was bored and had moved onto the Loughborough University seconds rugby team. But I knew that our house mates had known about it ... and it killed me that they knew and she didn't. So I blurted it out. Needless to say we never really spoke after than and she started to wage a pretty nasty vendetta against me but I was never really satisfied that she was the most balanced of individuals and I think her reaction to this confession clearly illustrated her emotional imbalance. But why did I do it? WHY? What's wrong with me? Do I have a self destruct button in my head when levels of well being reach a certain point alarms and flashing lights start up and my moral compass throws something into my psyche that redresses the balance???

All I know is, I wish from time to time I could switch this off. My husband thinks this is what makes me a decent human being and that's why he loves me, that although I do make his life a total misery most of the time, atleast I have a conscience about it! But seriously though ... is everyone like this or have people learnt to switch this compass off or learnt to ignore it? I just wish sometimes I could be a little immoral and enjoy something completely decadent and superfluous .... pending lottery win maybe?

Getting even to get even?

 I'm worried about myself today.  The day started the way it usually does: Molly coughing and waking up because her asthma is a little worse in the mornings and yelling across the hall: "Daddy, I need a wee wee on the toilet" 6.05am on the dot - like most mornings. As I was awake I went into her and took her to the loo. After she'd been, instead of taking her into the lounge and starting the day I persuaded her it was still night time with "Look sweetheart, it's still dark outside. If mummy comes into your bed, will you cuddle me back to sleep" which worked a treat. 3 hours later she awoke again and we were all grateful for the lie-in. (I managed to sleep despite being shoe-horned into a single bed surrounded by stuffed animals with a coughing, wriggling toddler sleeping next to me who appeared to have about 68 elbows). So the day started serenely and this carried on all morning. Gareth didn't feel up to going to church because his leg was still aching (old injury, long story) so we all got ready at our leisure. I drove Mol and me to the swimming pool which is our usual Sunday morning thing while Gareth does the church-thing. Molly was unusually well behaved so we had a lovely time splashing about in the pool. Perfect Sunday .... until we got back to the car and I saw how my drivers side door had been totally blocked in by the car in the parking bay next to me. Apart from the fact that it was a 4x4 (don't get me started on those cars - fine for those living down country lanes but this car didn't have a splash of mud on it) it was parked well over the lines, at an odd angle and made it impossible for me to get into my car. All the serenity from the morning disappeared in a flash of red fury. I was incandescent with rage! I put Molly in her seat (luckily on the other side of the car) and grabbed my handbag. I always have a pen on me and found some scrap paper in my less than tidy car. I penned a message to the idiot who'd "parked" their car next to mine and put it under their wiper. I'm managed to climb over the passenger seat and drove off. 

The message read: "The next time you park your car, please check that you have left enough room for the driver to get into the car parked next to you. I had to climb over the passenger seat to get into my car - not easy when you're pregnant. You inconsiderate prat!" 

Now ... admittedly I'm not pregnant. But I COULD be! I could have been disabled, Molly's car seat could have been over that side ... there are a lot of "could haves". I just wanted them to feel guilty for just one moment. Maybe get them to think of others the next time they leave their car.  I needed to teach someone a lesson. But why? What made me do that? I could have just tutted, rolled my eyes and got on with it. I could have gone the other way and taken their wing mirror off and carved obscenities into their paintwork with my keys ... but I wouldn't do something like that anyway. Too chicken!! And too honest! 

But it's made me think about myself .... what was I hoping to achieve by doing that? Why would my note make any difference in how they go about their daily activities? 

It's dawned on me how I interact with the world. I want people to worry as much as I do. I worry about the world, about how we all go through our lives in bubbles, not caring about our fellow man and thinking "I'm alright Jack, sod the rest of you." I hate social injustices and demand equality of opportunity for all. The Bride of Satan (aka Maggie Thatcher) once said "There's no such thing as society" and in one statement, communities were atomized and we all starting living in bubbles. The yuppy culture was spawned and consumerism consumed us all. 

Consideration is therefore the key. If we consider how our actions or inactions affect others and act accordingly, surely the world would be a slightly more hospitable place? 

So, I watched Molly looking at me as if I was mental while I angrily wrote this message but I think she needs to see me doing things like that. She needs to be raised knowing that small actions can change the world, if we all acted this way, those who behaved inconsiderately would live in a world that didn't tolerate this sort of behaviour and may moderate the way in which they go about their daily activities with more consideration to others. I didn't damage their car or embarrass myself or her by tracking this person down in the leisure centre and give them a verbal bashing ... but I did something small. I got even. I drove off feeling like I'd done something and kept my dignity at the same time.  The note probably will be screwed up in a bin somewhere or being blown around with the rest of the litter in the leisure centre car park, but hopefully the words would have had some impact on this person. ... Who knows .... ? 

If only I could vote ....

If I could vote for the next President of the USA, I wouldn't need a lot of time deciding who to vote for. Let's see .... Obama (sure, he has his faults but he IS a democrat and seems a decent enough fella) or The Muppet who has selected a demonic running partner who has a penchant for gunning down furry things and as a Governor passed a ruling that means rape victims are charged anything up to $3000 for a rape-kit if they want the rape to be investigated.  Hhhmmmm.... let's see. 

I know I appear to be obsessing over an election from another country, but I know far too well how far-reaching the consequences can be. We're at war with Iraq simply because Bush Jnr wanted to finish something Bush Snr started and ensure those lovely oil companies he's in bed with grab themselves a big percentage of the oil profits from that area. This morally corrupt administration has refused to recognize the existence of Global Warming (odd that with them being one of the biggest pollutants on this planet) and denied the liberty and basic Human Rights of the occupants of Guantanamo Bay. Sure, we joke about those orange jump suits and use this terminology to mock the absurdity of the situation  - but what the families of these people must be going through?? 

After studying Liberation Theology at Manchester Uni for my masters, my eyes were opened to the corrupt nature of the US Administrations over the last five decades. Their involvement in other countries internal politics to ensure the evils of Socialism and Communism never darken their doors signed the death warrants of hundreds of thousands of good people. Their paranoia and obsession with democracy, capitalism and the purity of market forces has meant that they're the true Fundamentalists. Socialism is not a bad thing. Capitalism has widened the gap between the rich and the poor. Companies are now obsessed with making hyper-profits rather than turning over a modest profit for their shareholders. Greed prevails. 

Maybe the credit crunch will be good for this world. When you can find "shopping" as an interest when completing a survey about yourself, surely the world has gone mad? Maybe Obama can repair some of the damage. By concentrating on the internal problems of his own country and pulling out of Iraq as he's promised, maybe the world can breathe a bit.  Maybe we can all re-assess what we're doing in this world and how we can make it a more hospitable place for the next generations. What better legacy is there? 

God I hope America gets it right this time.

After reading more about Sarah Palin and just HOW morally corrupt she is, I am convinced that the people of the USA cannot possibly allow this woman to be a 72 year old's heart beat away from the Presidency. Aside from the fact that she has done more to harm the feminist movement than Legally Blonde 1&2 and the residents of the Playboy Mansion, she is corrupt, vacuous and entirely without a shred of human decency. Come on people of America - you've been voting for Jim Henson creations for too long. No more Muppets in the Whitehouse, please!!!! Vote Obama ... the world depends on you!